THE AFTERMATH

"How does it feel to be done?" "What are your plans?"

I lost track weeks ago of the number of times I've been asked these questions lately. 

It turns out that, for me at least, graduating has not come with the clarity that I expected. It feels like the excitement of graduation was in the anticipation, not the "have graduated." Don't get me wrong, I am glad to be done. More than glad. But being done with one thing just means moving onto another. And right now, for me, that means figuring out what the "another" is and how to answer the two big questions everyone seems to love to ask. 

"How does it feel to be done?"

For anyone that knew me in graduate school, or really any time before that, I never stopped. Whether I was working, schooling, sporting, or socializing - I was always in go mode. 

And I am damn good at go mode. 

I can get up at 6am to finish work, successfully memorize new material minutes before an exam at 8am, meet with various professors throughout the day, write a whole thesis chapter, go to the gym, go back to the office and edit my thesis chapter, go to dinner, coach practice, pre-game hockey with a few beers, play hockey at 10pm, hang out in the locker room until 1am, smile and laugh through the whole thing and repeat the entire process the next day. I can finish multiple degrees faster than it takes most to finish just one while simultaneously working multiple jobs and playing various sports. Healthy? Obviously not. But this has been my life for the past seven years straight. I am an intense person and I chose an equally intense life. 

So, how do I feel to be done?

Relieved. Excited. These are the buzzwords I throw out because they are easy, clean, expected. 

But what does it really feel like to be done?

It feels somewhat like getting hit by a bus. Now, this bus is full of free time to both recreate and relax at will, but mind you... it is still a bus. This obviously requires a good amount of recovery time. And with recovery comes healing. First is figuring out how to walk again. This requires walking - living - at a different speed.  Sometimes a variety of speeds. Because my previous speed was always go and go fast, this step has required a great deal of adjustment.  But the hardest part is what follows - clearing my head from the process. Through this I have realized that I didn't just get hit by the bus. 

I threw myself in front of it. 

"We cannot become what we want to be

 by remaining what we are." - Max DePree

Whether I wanted to admit it or not, I couldn't maintain at that speed. (This is the "Yes, I know... you told me so" part.) I was doing and completing things not necessarily because I wanted to but sometimes just because I could, because I was capable. And one thing I am proud of is that I have learned to be capable of a great many things. But I was so focused on a maximizing my potential, building my resume, adding value to my skill set that it took throwing myself in front of a bus to give myself the time to maximize my well being, build my relationships, and add value to the parts of life that are most important to me. I can explain the former processes of maximization and value adding in nothing but mathematical symbols - in my sleep even. But, I've decided to focus now on a little more of a practical application. 

So what does this say about how I feel? Well, all the "go" didn't really allow me the time to feel. But, now that I have the time and space to actually think about it, I realize that I'm tired.  And, in the great words of Nappy Roots, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

However, ironically enough, realizing this makes me feel relieved. So maybe I'm not necessarily relieved that I'm done with grad school, specifically, but that I have given myself the opportunity to be done with the pace that I had grown to know and love. 

But adjusting to this new pace is not an instantaneous transition. I am still struggling with the fact that I constantly feel like I should be doing something. But, I am trying to be better at avoiding being busy just for the sake of being busy. I know, "Yea, right." But my trying-to-avoid-this is better than my former alternative. I have realized that for years I was living with a passion for doing things, but not a passion for all of the things I was doing. 

"I've always admitted that 

I'm ruled by my passions." - Elizabeth Taylor

This has given me time to do things I didn't even realized I missed (shocker). Gosh, I missed reading. Reading just for the sake of reading. I also missed having a workout as part of my daily routine. But when I was so busy, both my mind and body were too tired to do either. This part is really exciting because, as simple as these things are, they are extremely fulfilling. So maybe I'm not so excited about graduating because of all the "opportunity" available to be in the real world, but for having the time to do these simple things that I was letting myself miss out on. This seem obvious, sure, but it's not so obvious when you literally don't give yourself even a minute to even think about what you would rather be doing. 

"Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, 

drink the wild air." - Ralph Waldo Emerson 

I'm excited to feel alive again. I've said for a while that one of the main reasons I love New York City is because that's where I feel alive. It's true, it's a magical city to me and will always have a piece of my heart. But part of this association was because of my experiences traveling there alone multiple times in the past year. When I was there, I was uninhibited. I wasn't doing anything just to say I had done it. I wasn't going to attractions just because I hadn't seen them before. I wasn't scheduling my days, at all. I did things like walk into a cool looking bar just because it was raining. I walked twenty blocks to Central Park just because and then barely even walked into the park. I spent two hours (compared to about 20 minutes) getting all dressed up with nowhere particular to go or anyone specific to see. I took the long way on the subway between destinations just to people watch. I felt more alive than I had in a long, long time and associated this with being somewhere else, failing to realize that my system at home, while extremely efficient, was not particularly effective. It turns out that being bit by the bus has allowed me to feel this way, feel alive, without feeling the need to leave. 

So how do I really feel about graduating? I guess I am being honest after all. Relieved. Excited. 

"What are your plans?"

Ahh, the million dollar question. 

For me to not have a set plan yet is as surprising to me as it is to everyone else. It seemed Iike my plan was always to have a plan. But when my big college plans took a shift - by my choice - when I switched from the would-have-been-successful-and-lucrative-but-would-have-hated-it path to a becoming accountant to pursuing a degree in economics, I never really made a new plan. I thought I would probably move because it seemed like the right thing to do. I have been in the same place for a long time and there's pressure associated with that, pressure to go out and experience new people and places. But that's certainly not the immediate path I have taken.

When people ask where I plan to go from here I usually respond, "I'm not sure, I'm pursuing a few different options." What it feels like they want me to say is that I've got something awesome locked down. That all these years of school has placed me in a great first job that will help me reach my potential and advance my career. 

But the reality is that I'm currently working in a job for which I have no formal academic or professional experience. After years of studying business, accounting, and economics, I am working in at a mental health crisis facility. I work on the front lines with clients who are at high risk of suicide and often suffer from severe mental illnesses. I get up early enough to arrive on time for a 7am shift even though I hate the mornings, volunteer to cover overnight shifts even though I love to live in the night, and sign up for extra shifts on the weekends even though I absolutely love my time off. My day doesn't involve a single graph, Greek symbol, statistical model, or derivative. I am not asked to write a single line of code or interpret a single  coefficient  estimate. I am working arguably well below my earnings potential. 

And I love it. 

I get to work in constant chaos - something I absolutely thrive on. I get to make a difference. And I get to work with some incredible people. I actually look forward to going to work. I've found something I'm passionate about.

So, what are my plans? Well, for now I am going to continue to enjoy this job and am pursuing an opportunity to do some economics consulting part time in town. For me, this is a perfect mix of working with people, making a difference, and tapping into my inner geeky economist all while having the flexibility to enjoy both the simple things I have missed and the people, places, and happenings that are all around me while adjusting to my new pace and regaining my sanity. It's been a long time since I've been able to say this but - right now, I am exactly where I want to be.

"Not all those who wander are lost." - J.R.R. Tolkien